No

No. It’s such a simple word. Two itty bitty letters. Why is it so damn hard for so many of us to say it? Why do volumes live under those two letters? Volumes surrounding boundaries, worth, ego, importance, fear, the desire to be liked, loved, and of service.

At its essence, “No.” is where you draw your line in your sand.

When you’re unclear where that line is, everything that lies on either side of it seems to be a fuzzy, messy, foggy. And big. Huge. Monumental. Massive. All those bits above (issues of worth, ego, the desire to be liked, etc.) seem to blow up into King-Kongian-sized appendages that glom onto the decision at hand.

Then clarity comes. Those appendages drop away. The emotional charge fades as you become crystal clear where the line lives. And then this weird thing happens where you don’t understand why it was so difficult to make the decision in the first place.

I’ve yet to coach anyone where some variation on the “hard to say No” theme does not appear. It can come in many forms:

· Someone wants to “pick your brain”, and you know you can help them out, but it’s the 100th person that’s asked you for free advice that week

· Your Co-Founder is stressing out, and you keep saying “Yes.” to things that are creating an unfair burden on you, to try to keep their stress level down (resulting in your own stress skyrocketing)

· Your boss keeps dumping deals on you, and it’s got to stop but you’re worried that if you say “No.”, (s)he will stop giving you first dibs on new incoming leads

· Someone asks you to attend their event, and you want to support them, but you’re straight up exhausted

· You’re asked to speak on a panel, but you’ve already done 5 this month, yet you fear that if you miss it, this is the one time that perfect investor will be in the audience

Once the concept of learning to say “No.” becomes a thing, suddenly it seems imperative to crack that nut immediately. It goes from being ok as it is, to being completely un-ok, with no transition period. Once they hit this breaking point, I observe clients tending to go to “All No/All The Time”. Every opportunity, decision, request or invitation seems like an imposition, and is met with a resounding “NO!”

In an effort to seek a healthy balance, a great practice at this stage of the Yes/No game is to pay attention to what happens in your body when faced with a choice. Usually the body is crystal clear when it’s a “No” — heart racing, sick feeling in your gut, chest tightening, voice barely audible, a physical tendency to hide (crossing your arms or curling up in a ball like one of those pill bugs). When it’s a clear “Yes.” your body might express a feeling of your heart opening, peace in your mind, increased energy and an open stance. Let your body inform your response.

Like many other areas of development, going for the gray area is the goal. Finding that balanced Yes/No line that represents who you are as a whole person is the beacon to aim for, and it can take practice and experimentation to get there. The good news is that once a client commits to finding that balance, they almost always find it fairly easily. Asking simple questions seems to elicit effortless answers:

· What’s the price you pay by speaking with 100 people a week that want to pick your brain?

· Why do you put your co-founder’s stress level above your own?

· What’s the fear under not getting first dibs on all deals?

· What price do you/your family/your company pay when you are running on fumes?

· Can you draw on past experience to assure yourself that you meet the right people when you need to?

The responses are usually something like this: “Well, duh. Yes. I get it”. For example, obviously if you get asked to have your brain picked (and also, who came up with that term/it’s got to go), and you do it each time, you’re choosing to spend 100 hours of your time helping others at the obvious expense of your business, your family, or god forbid, yourself. Can we get a round of applause for some self-care here? The math simply doesn’t work. The imperative for “No.” becomes obvious.

Then there is the part about HOW to say “No.” I’ve heard of the “Unapologetic No”. It’s when you say “No.” in response to someone. That’s it. No explanation, no “sorry, but”, no softening of the message. Personally, I’m not a big fan of it. It seems too extreme and defensive, which is funny because it’s pitched as being the opposite of defensive (meaning, you’re not defending your decision by just saying “No.” without an explanation). When people have given me an unapologetic “No.”, mostly it just feels hurtful and rude. I don’t see the point of it. On the flip side, over-explaining is not the ticket either. You’re not obligated to over-explain, over-justify or over-apologize. Aim for the middle ground.

I’ll give a personal example. I’m someone who is asked to have their brain picked. Constantly. People want me to help them (or their friend or their kid or their husband or their cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s best friend’s wife): find a job, meet investors, review their pitch deck, learn how to interview, suggest speakers for their upcoming event, suggest someone to fill their open position, learn how to network, figure out how to hire engineers for free, create their company culture, figure out the meaning of life, etc. And, please note, each one of them assumes they are the only one asking me for advice, so no big deal, right?

I’m wired to help and to historically have defaulted to “Yes.” I figure if I can spend 1 hour and save the asker a week of time, it’s rude and selfish of me to say “No.” As a result, I found myself working 7 days a week, 15 hours a day. My pinnacle of “duh” happened when my daughter asked me to have lunch with her on a weekend, and I told her I couldn’t because I was too busy working. Wow. Since then, I’ve been flexing my “No.” muscle. I drew my line in the sand by choosing to not work one day each weekend. I don’t even check emails. At all. I wrote about 15 How To blog posts and put them up on my Medium, so I could direct people there as part of my gentle “No, I can’t meet you for coffee” response. I’m not saying it’s been easy, but when my guilt pops up, I remind myself of my priorities, and that I already give hours and hours of my time on multiple Boards, and as a Mentor at multiple Accelerators. That’s enough. Plus, it’s really nice to have an hour or two to read a book every now and then. Not every waking hour has to be spent doing something for someone.

So be gentle with yourself as you shift to finding your Yes/No boundary. Once you draw your line in the sand, don’t assume it suddenly becomes easy to say “No.” It takes practice, diligence, commitment and experimentation. Also, a warning: if you have always been a “Yes.” person, you can expect those you’re in relationship with to balk at your newfound love of the word “No.” Be strong. Stick to your guns. Your line is your line. With practice, the line becomes stronger, deeper and easier to walk.