The Impact of Appreciation
A few weeks back, I was having a really bad day. In fact, I was having a really bad year. I had been in a long period of deep upheaval, change, loss and transformation — one of those periods of life that feels necessary, but that you’d never wish upon your worst enemy. This particular day was on the crappier side of crappy. I was in the midst of some highly charged legal issues, chock full of emotions. Although usually I can handle just about anything, on this day, after this year, my resilience was sub-zero. I was feeling particularly low — like a total-failure-in-all-facets-of-my-life version of low.
The day before, I’d gotten a Slack request for a 10-minute call from the founders of Evolution, where I’m a Partner and Executive Coach. No explanation of what the call was about (and I, being me, in this sub-zero-resilience state, assumed it must be something bad). Nevertheless, I set up the call and the time was here. The call started with one of the Co-Founders basically saying we didn’t have very much time, and this was a pretty heavy topic, so we better get right into it. I felt my stomach drop. I simply had nothing left internally to deal with anything negative. He then goes on to say (I’m sure with a big smile on his face) that they just wanted to tell me how much they appreciate me and how glad they are that I’m a Partner, and how much I contribute to the whole through my connections and introductions and collaboration. I could barely speak. I was just overtaken by emotion, and I started to tear up just from that simple act of appreciation. It was a super short and sweet call, but the impact was deep.
That experience got me thinking about how the Execs I coach respond to positive feedback during our sessions. Most Founders are so hard driving, rarely acknowledging their strength and courage. And to embark on a path of leadership development takes both of those things in spades. When I would reflect something positive back to them — maybe it was noticing their willingness to be self-aware or about the way they handled a really tough conversation — they would instantly soften. It’s almost as though it gave them license to just sit still and breathe for a second.
The brain is wired to feel the effects of negative input and feedback far more intensely (and for longer) than positive input or feedback. In the early 1990s, John T. Cacioppo and Gary Bernston pioneered a new field called Social Nueroscience, which uses methods such as brain imaging to study how feeling and thinking systems relate — the ways that people influence and are influenced by other people. In one study, they recorded the brain’s reaction to photographs intended to illicit positive (the ocean, some ice cream), negative (a mutilated face, a dead animal) and neutral (a bowl, a chair) feelings. The brain’s electrical activity spiked much higher in reaction to the negative stimuli, indicating a much stronger impact of the negative reaction. It makes sense. If we harken back to our cave days, survival mandated that we didn’t forget the last time a woolly mammoth tried to stomp us out of existence. It might be time for Darwin to step in, but the fact is, our brains have yet to evolve past that hard wiring, and as a result, negative stuff impacts us more strongly.
On a happier note, another newish branch of science called Neuroplasticity emerged in the late 20th century. In a nutshell, neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to form new neural pathways and synapses in reaction to behavioral, environmental and neural processes. Old neural connections that are no longer useful or necessary can be deleted, as the new ones strengthen. You can choose to change old patterns/habits/self-talk instantly, resulting in your brain rewiring itself to accommodate. I won’t go into all the nerdiness, but suffice to say that positive feedback and the effect that can have on the recipient’s attitude, can instantly turn that frown upside down.
Bottom line, you’re wired to hear the bad more deeply than the good. However, by reinforcing the good copiously (in other people, and perhaps more importantly, in yourself), you can create a profound impact.
Here are some simple ways to practice the positive. Start with yourself and share the wealth with those that work for and with you through showing appreciation:
For You (oxygen mask on first, please):
Listen to the broken record negative yapping going on in your mind. Write it down. Once you’re aware of your Top 10 chart, work on reframing the yapping. Be specific. Let’s say one of your Go-Tos is “I’m too stupid to succeed”. Reframe it to “I can figure out a good solution to any problem, and I’m resourceful enough to ask for help from others if I need it.” Repeat this reframing every day, 4 or 5 times a day, for a month, until it becomes a part of you. Neuroplasticity has essentially validated the efficacy of affirmations through scientific research. If you’re still skeptical, do it anyway. There is no risk, and it might just have the effect you want.
For Your People:
First and foremost, remind yourself of your own experience when receiving negative and positive feedback, and put The Golden Rule to work. There are ways to tell someone to improve their performance which can inspire them, rather than devasting them. A combination of directness and compassion, fueled by deep EQ will help. But perhaps more importantly, don’t skimp on the positive input. Realize that its impact can be massive, but it might not last as long in everyone’s consciousness. Learn how each individual prefers to get feedback — even if it’s positive, some people would rather be told privately, while others would be thrilled to have you tell it loud and proud on Slack or in an all-hands meeting.
As with all things surrounding growth and evolution, time and space to reflect, journal and meditate makes the practice around appreciation more effective. Repetition — even just a little a day — is all you have to do. Neuroplasticity will take care of the rest.
“The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness.” — Dalai Lama
